domingo, 11 de maio de 2008

Sentimentos

Tudo depende das interpretações que fazemos das palavras. O que significa, literalmente, agarrar? Puxar contra si; abraçar; pegar; nada indica um comportamento mais íntimo do que um simples cumprimento entre conhecidos, ou uma habitual carícia entre amigos. Mas foi a forma como ela o disse: “Vi-os agarrados”. Foi isso que me chocou profundamente a alma. “Eu não te quis dizer, hoje de manhã, mas vi-os agarrados”. Demonstrou alguma preocupação, algum receio nas palavras que usou, mas não quis desenvolver o relato. E deixou-me ali, perdida em pensamentos, vagueando pelo sentido ambíguo das palavras, que se fazem notar em situações incertas como esta.
Olhava para o relógio, escrevia desenfreadamente, tentava concentrar-me no que estava a fazer. Mas não o conseguia. A imagem dele “agarrado” a ela percorria-me a memória. Juntos, talvez beijando-se… não sabia o que pensar do que tinha ouvido, mas não consegui arranjar coragem para saber mais pormenores. Receava descobrir algo que não queria, que me magoaria ainda mais, e decidi então permanecer na ignorância. Mas como podia uma coisa tão vaga, tão platónica, tão superficial, fútil e mesquinha, abalar desta maneira o coração de uma pessoa?
Como pode uma pessoa admirar outra sem a conhecer; sem nunca ter falado com ela, sem nada saber acerca dela a não ser a sua aparente beleza e simpatia? A verdade é que a observação não é suficiente; temos de testar as hipóteses levantadas pela observação, de modo a progredirmos até ao verdadeiro conhecimento. Mas o que importava isso quando o vi pela primeira vez…? Aqueles olhos azuis, brilhantes, profundos, no quais apetecia mergulhar os meus a cada olhar que trocávamos… olhar esse intenso, que me comovia quando tinha os seus olhos pousados nos meus… Aquele sorriso, simples, feliz, que nunca desaparecia do seu rosto… Aquela confiança, com a qual trocava olhares e sorrisos com tudo e todos, inclusive comigo, quando o destino o ditava ou eu o provocava… O que importava o facto de eu não o conhecer, se ele me parecia tão familiar, tão próximo, tão conhecido?!
Não deixa de ser uma coisa fútil, mesquinha e superficial, para quem a vê de fora. Mas para quem a sente, parece ser mais profunda do que muitas outras. Talvez seja, simplesmente, uma forma de imaginarmos a pessoa que queremos conhecer no corpo de outra que existe, fisicamente, mas que não conhecemos no seu âmago. Talvez. Prefiro pensar que não estou assim tão desesperada por encontrar alguém, apenas encontrei alguém a quem posso delegar algumas qualidades e defeitos que penso serem verdadeiras, ainda que não o sejam. Mas quem merece que algo semelhante lhe seja feito? É como retirar a sua personalidade, o seu íntimo, a sua alma, e atribuir-lhe outras características. O pior é que nos afeiçoamos demasiado à pessoa que criamos. Não, não digo que possamos chamar a isso amor, ou algo parecido. Não. Mas porque é que a vida é tão complicada?
Se não o conheço, porque me importo tanto de saber que ele estava “agarrado” a ela? Seja isso o que for…? Magoou-me; não ele, mas a minha alma, por não saber comportar-se; por não saber parar quando deve, amainar quando é preciso fazê-lo. Ele é o menos culpado de todos. Está, simplesmente, a viver a sua vida, a tentar ser feliz… como posso culpá-lo por isso? Não é o que todos queremos? Consigo, até, sentir algum contentamento ao ouvir isso, por ele, por estar feliz, ainda que eu não o esteja, e esteja até, a sofrer com isso. Consigo esboçar um leve sorriso, por vê-lo feliz, por vê-lo a viver, e não “agarrado” a uma ilusão, a uma paixão – se é que se pode chamar isso – platónica por alguém que não conhece, e a quem apenas dirigiu a palavra uma vez, em circunstâncias geradas pelo destino. Mas não é todo o amor um pouco platónico?
O que me preocupa é estar magoada, sentir-me abalada pela novidade. “Eu não te quis dizer, hoje de manhã, mas vi-os agarrados”. Ele, agarrado a outra… Ele, que eu tomava como meu… Ele, que eu acreditava não merecer ninguém para além de mim própria… Ele, que parece, ao mesmo tempo, tão frágil, tão verdadeiro… Mais uma vez, não o posso culpar. Mas as lágrimas vêm-me aos olhos; imprudentes, insaciáveis, inconcebíveis… De quem é a culpa? Sinto que tenho de culpar alguém pelo meu sofrimento, mas se não ele, quem?
Pego na bússola que tenho comigo. Estou em direcção ao Norte, mas desde quando é que isso me orienta? Continuo sem saber para onde ir, de onde venho ou onde estou. Sinto que não pertenço a lugar nenhum. Procuro seguir o meu coração, como tenho feito até aqui. Mas apercebo-me que, no final de contas, ainda não saí do ponto de partida. O coração não me leva a lado nenhum. Só me traz confusão, inconsistência, fraqueza… e com ele embarco em utopias que me magoam mais do que a própria realidade. Culpo a razão, enfim, por me fazer tão consciente de que estou errada quanto a tudo, e a alma por me mascarar a realidade com certezas belas. No fundo, a culpa é sempre minha. E isso, por mais estranho que pareça, não me conforma. Talvez deva culpá-la a ela, a outra… ou serei eu a outra? Mas bem, talvez deva culpá-la a ela, por me tirar a esperança, o fulgor de cada sorriso, de cada olhar… ou agradecer-lhe por me ter retirado da ilusão; se é que o conseguiu?
A vida é demasiado complicada para ser entendida. É mesmo melhor permanecermos na ignorância. Aconteça o que acontecer, eu sou eu, e isso é capaz de me conformar…

31 comentários:

Sorriso Secreto disse...

:]
A vida e' aquilo qe nós fazemos dela.
Por vezes complicamos o que e' fácil de mais para nós e como nao queremos parecer que somos pouco inteligentes tentamos mostrar ás outras pessoas que conseguimos complicar a facilidade qe nos dão.
Essas dúvidas qe tens, essas perguntas qe fazes a ti, nao sao impossiveis de serem respondidas. Sao apenas dificeis de mais para percebermos na forma que nós queremos ver.
A unica coisa que nao deves esqecer e' que ha sempre uma resposta vinda de alguem qe e' superior a nós .

Gostei muito do teu blog. Acho que posso considerar um tipo de diário :)
Fazes bem. Tambem gostei muito de escrever nos meus diários.
Vou continuar a visistar.te para ver mais textos teus.

Raquel disse...

obrigada pelo teu comentário :D

Tens razão, este texto foi uma espécie de entrada de diário, embora os outros que tenho neste blog sejam simples histórias que me ocorreram e que decidi passar para o papel.
A vida é mesmo aquilo que fazemos dela...

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Obrigada por todas as tuas palavras riqueza.
Hei-de esperar e talvez encontrar.

Believe !!!


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